Where do I even begin with this post??? I haven’t written in a while because I haven’t wanted to see the reality of my life and my thoughts about my life on paper. That statement is ridiculous but it’s the absolute truth. Smh. A year ago I was attending the University of Tennessee and I felt then that my life was in order. There were minor Imperfections here and there but overall I was happy and I sincerely felt like I was on the path to my personal success, my inner happiness and I was a proud person. Today I feel weather, discouraged about my future and the choices I have made to date. Academically I am in a hole. Emotionally I am unavailable, physically I am out of shape and my goal setting/ reaching skills have come to a standstill. I find myself wondering more often –is this what it is like to NOT be WITHIN the will of GOD??? I can only assume! —- My lust for success has suffered due to extreme case of senioritis and every day the cycle of me feeling as though I am a failure contributes to my lack of interest which leaves me feeling guilty which cycles back to me feeling like I’m a failure. SOMEONE HELLLLPPPPPP! GOD HELP! 2012 was the year of mistakes and I made a promise to myself that 2013 was going to be different – WAY DIFFERENT – but I’m the one who has to/can make it different. My ultimate fear is failure so I cannot let myself fail just because of pure laziness and disinterest. It’s crazy to me how I look at everyone around me and how everyone else seems to all be in a higher spot than I. starting their career, graduating, moving on, shit anything and everything is happening to everyone on my timeline while my status still remains the same. I NEED TO MOVE FORWARD. I NEED TO MOVE UP. it’s like a burning flame inside me every day, and every day that I stay in this mediocre space it burns more —- just so I know that I am not fulfilling my own potential. A constant reminder that there is so much more for me to do, to be a part of, a constant reminder that I am not finished so I can’t stop now. what do I need to do now? now that I am at this cross point in my life? I don’t even know and I’m not going to act like I do. But what I do know is I need to get back to scheduling my life and my goals like I used to. I need to get back to Kaila Renee before someone takes my spot in history.
Operation GET YO’ LIFE is in full effect.
Back to scheming for a better future. …. The grind stops for no one but the good lord!!!!